Sasuke's Aburpt Return to Konoha
by Darkflame4ever
Summary: Timeline is right after the Sasuke rescue arc. Sasuke reaches Orochimaru, but he gets more than he bargained for. Crack-fic. Orochimaru OOC. Orochimaru even surprised Kabuto. Not to be taken seriously.


**This is what my mind came up with while listening to Adam Lambert's "If I Had You" while thinking about Naruto. Do not read if you don't have a good sense of humour XD**

**Warning: Extreme OOC for Orochimaru.**

**I own nothing except for my crazy brain that came up with the plot.**

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Sasuke stood before Orochimaru inside of the underground lair. The pale snake sannin had a very pleased expression on his face as he stared at the young Uchiha from his throne-like chair. Kabuto was leaning against one of the walls, his glasses flashing from the light of one of the torches.

Licking his lips with his unnaturally long tongue, Orochimaru finally spoke. "It pleases me greatly that you decided to take up my offer of power, though I was a bit disappointed that the Sound five was killed; I believe it was well worth it," he said with a smirk.

Sasuke kept a neutral expression as he replied. "You claim to be able to give me the power to kill my brother, which Konoha refuses to give me. Even the dobe had grown ridiculously strong in a few months."

Orochimaru chuckled as he stood up and circled Sasuke, his snake-like eyes looking the boy over like a predator would its prey. "Yes, you will become strong enough to defeat Uzumaki with ease. It's also a bonus that Kakashi taught you the _Chidori_. At the moment though I wish to expression how… excited I am that you are here."

He stopped circling the genin and took a few steps back so that he was standing in the middle of the room with Sasuke in front of him. "I cannot put into words what this means for me, but it turns out I can put it into… song."

Sasuke, along with a stumped Kabuto, stared in shock as Orochimaru pulled out a small remote and clicked one of the buttons, causing multicolored lights to start flashing as speakers emerged from the walls and music started playing.

Orochimaru, to the horror of both observers, started dancing along to the poppy music. Before Sasuke or Kabuto had a chance to fully process what was happening, he started singing.

"If I had you! That would be the only thing I ever need! Tsunade, Jiraiya, and the Akatsuki never could compete!" Orochimaru extended his tongue and turned it into a pole, somehow still singing and somehow supporting himself on the pole as he started swinging on the tongue pole like a very bad stripper.

"If I had you! Life would be ruled by only me! Yeah, If I had you-you-you-you-you-you!" He closed his eyes as he pointed at Sasuke, finishing the song by singing the chorus once again. "If I had you! That would be the only thing I ever need! Tsunade, Jiraiya, and the Akatsuki never could compete!"

Orochimaru opened his eyes to see how Sasuke liked his song, only to see empty space. He looked confusingly over at Kabuto, only to find him lying on the floor with a dazed expression as he twitched every few moments.

"Kuso! The awesomeness of my moves must have stunned Kabuto and shocked Sasuke so much that he couldn't handle it. The guards are probably having to calm him down," Orochimaru said and stepped outside the room to see his two guards leaning against the corridor wall, looking deathly pale, only to pale even more when they saw him.

"Where's Sasuke?" he asked them in a dangerous voice.

Both guards shuddered. "I- I don't know, he came out and cast a genjutsu on us…. We were in too much shock to break out of it immediately," the female guard explained nervously while shooting the snake sannin terrified looks.

The male guard suddenly spoke up. "The image he showed us was of you," he paused to shiver, "dancing. Orochimaru-sama, please tell us that as not what the music was for."

Orochimaru frowned and looked down the hallway thoughtfully as he scratched his chin. "I guess my dancing and singing to powerful for anyone to withstand," he commented and walked away to look for his new prodigy, not even noticing the two guards faint at his admission.

_A few hours later in Konoha_

Kotetsu was suddenly nudged awake by his partner Izumo. "There's some one approaching rapidly," the chūnin explained.

Looking towards the gate, Kotetsu spotted a small dot leaving a dust trail as it headed towards them. As it drew closer, Izumo leaned forward and squinted. "I can't believe it! It's Uchiha Sasuke!" he exclaimed.

Sasuke stopped at the guards as he bent over, panting to catch his breath. "Need… to see… Yamanaka Inoichi… in… T&I," he said between breaths as an ANBU suddenly appeared beside him.

"I need to take you to the Hokage first," he said and placed his hand on the boy's shoulder before both of them disappeared via _Shunshin_.

Kotetsu whistled. "Whew, I never expected Sasuke-kun to make such a sudden return after the fight he put up to leave," the spikey hair chūnin commented, earning a nod of agreement from Izumo.

…

Tsunade stood with her arms crossed as Sasuke was placed inside of the chamber that assisted Inoichi's jutsu. The Godaime Hokage had brought Sasuke to T&I as soon as he explained that he was forever sorry and that her former teammate was completely insane.

"Orochimaru must have done something quite disturbing that it shook the 'emotionless' Uchiha so bad," Ibiki commented from where he stood beside the blonde Hokage.

"And for you to want me to wipe the memory… it must be really bad," Inoichi said as stood in front of Sasuke once the chamber had closed so that only his head was exposed.

Sasuke nodded as much as he could, still looking quite pale. "Hai, but once you find the memory, don't watch it unless you can remove it from yourself," he warned causing the blond Yamanaka to chuckle as he placed his hand on the boy's head.

"I'm work in T&I. I doubt it is worse than some of the things I've seen working here," he replied and closed his eyes as he activated one of his clan's jutsu.

Ibiki and Tsunade waited impatiently as minutes passed; both raised eyebrows when Inoichi suddenly paled and backed away from Sasuke as he canceled the jutsu. Sasuke, on the other hand, looked much better in comparison as he closed his eyes in relaxation.

"It couldn't have been that bad, Inoichi. Are you getting a weak stomach in your old age?" Ibiki said with a smirk.

Inoichi shot him a glare as he shook off the shock and walked up to the head of T&I. "I'll show you how bad it is," he said and flashed through hand signs before touching his fingers to the scarred shinobi's forehead.

Ibiki's eyes glazed over as he watched the memory, frowning a bit. "Well… I could have gone without that," he said with only the slightest hint of color gone from his face.

"What was it?" Tsunade demanded sharply.

"I won't show it to you unless you order it, but I would advise against it. To put it simply… Orochimaru singing and dancing in a stripper-like way," the blue-eyed blond explained.

Tsunade stiffened and suddenly there was a bottle of sake in her hand that appeared from out of nowhere as she took a large gulp. "We will not speak of that again," she said, earning nods from everyone; except Sasuke, who had fallen asleep after all the stress.

"Well…" Ibiki said with a smile that looked completely wrong on his face. "I now have a new genjutsu that I can use for T&I," he commented, earning disbelieving looks from the two blondes.

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This is not the best example of my writing and it's unbeta'd, but I didn't want to linger on this too long. I'm working on another Naruto fic, so keep and eye on my profile if you like Kakashi :D (and don't mind an OC).

It'll probably be a few months before I start posting it cause I want to finish writing it first.


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